It's extremely late, and I really should be sleeping or I won't be able to wake up tomorrow... but... it's so peaceful right now, and this moment is mine. Tomorrow, this little moment of peace will be gone.
The day, it isn't mine. It belongs to everyone else, except me.
This moment right now... it is mine. Right here, right now... I can breathe.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
CHANGE
It's been so long, that it's difficult to know how or where to continue... in just a few years, I feel a change within that is so drastic, I no longer recognize myself sometimes.
Reading again my posts from years back, it's like it was written by someone else althogether. Not me.
Because... that's not me, anymore.
I am... and have always been... like this. Like now. Maybe.
When I look back at my diaries from fifteen, twenty years ago, I see an indication of that... the melancholy, that despair, the questions...
Life is so different now though, compared to what it was twenty years ago. So much better now, and He has been so good to me. Life has changed in a big way several times now, since those days... some bad, some regretful, mostly good, overall great. But how is it that I don't feel good? I should be, ought to be...
My feelings are lying to me... I should not rely on feelings alone, someone told me. I understand and agree. I just can't get my brain and heart to do obey.
Getting married and having a child. Life-changing. Totally turned what I know upside-down.
My firstborn and only child, she makes me laugh when I find no reason to, and she makes me live when I want to die... she is one of the best blessing ever given to me, even though with it came the worst post-natal depression that I am reluctant to ever want to experience again. And maybe am still experiencing? I don't know. I can't differentiate if what I feel now is from that or it was there all along but only amplified by these new changes in my life which I'm struggling to handle.
One thing new though, which I can clearly say wasn't there before, is the confusion... the scattered mind, and the inability to focus. It's like... the brain freezes when there's too much input, because it does not know what to think first. It makes me certain sometimes, that I'm about to lose my mind. (Maybe I need medication.)
It is not surprising how I'm struggling though, seeing as I've never learnt how to cry out for help when in trouble. Nobody asks and they'll never know... and who would? Everyone has their problems to deal with, and I rather keep mine to myself, this way I hurt no one but myself.
Besides, what would my whining achieve, what could anyone do? No one can give me immediate answers, or change the course of my life. Whiners are just energy-suckers, they suck the life out of others. If I'd thought this through before, a solitary life would've been a better choice. Better for one person to be miserable, than for three (or more) to be miserable. That's just my own opinion anyway.
Some would call this kind of thinking, negative.
I call it being realistic. It's a realistic solution to a real problem.
Maybe they're right, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am negative. Who knows?
Somehow my brain is wired this way, don't know why. Some days are good, somedays are bad... and some days are just plain unbearable, and I go through the motions of life numbly until something has meaning again, and enjoy that moment while it lasts...
Reading again my posts from years back, it's like it was written by someone else althogether. Not me.
Because... that's not me, anymore.
I am... and have always been... like this. Like now. Maybe.
When I look back at my diaries from fifteen, twenty years ago, I see an indication of that... the melancholy, that despair, the questions...
Life is so different now though, compared to what it was twenty years ago. So much better now, and He has been so good to me. Life has changed in a big way several times now, since those days... some bad, some regretful, mostly good, overall great. But how is it that I don't feel good? I should be, ought to be...
My feelings are lying to me... I should not rely on feelings alone, someone told me. I understand and agree. I just can't get my brain and heart to do obey.
Getting married and having a child. Life-changing. Totally turned what I know upside-down.
My firstborn and only child, she makes me laugh when I find no reason to, and she makes me live when I want to die... she is one of the best blessing ever given to me, even though with it came the worst post-natal depression that I am reluctant to ever want to experience again. And maybe am still experiencing? I don't know. I can't differentiate if what I feel now is from that or it was there all along but only amplified by these new changes in my life which I'm struggling to handle.
One thing new though, which I can clearly say wasn't there before, is the confusion... the scattered mind, and the inability to focus. It's like... the brain freezes when there's too much input, because it does not know what to think first. It makes me certain sometimes, that I'm about to lose my mind. (Maybe I need medication.)
It is not surprising how I'm struggling though, seeing as I've never learnt how to cry out for help when in trouble. Nobody asks and they'll never know... and who would? Everyone has their problems to deal with, and I rather keep mine to myself, this way I hurt no one but myself.
Besides, what would my whining achieve, what could anyone do? No one can give me immediate answers, or change the course of my life. Whiners are just energy-suckers, they suck the life out of others. If I'd thought this through before, a solitary life would've been a better choice. Better for one person to be miserable, than for three (or more) to be miserable. That's just my own opinion anyway.
Some would call this kind of thinking, negative.
I call it being realistic. It's a realistic solution to a real problem.
Maybe they're right, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am negative. Who knows?
Somehow my brain is wired this way, don't know why. Some days are good, somedays are bad... and some days are just plain unbearable, and I go through the motions of life numbly until something has meaning again, and enjoy that moment while it lasts...
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
RANDOMNESS
Feeling cold and sleepy today. This constantly rainy weather is getting boring.
I need my clear evening blue skies back... so that I can go running/walking again.
Yawn.
I'm restless. There's something I need, but I can't point my finger on it.
I'm 30 this year. Hmmm... still...
I need my clear evening blue skies back... so that I can go running/walking again.
Yawn.
I'm restless. There's something I need, but I can't point my finger on it.
I'm 30 this year. Hmmm... still...
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
